On Being Alone

“But you must be so lonely!”—a concern often expressed during conversations about my personal life, and one that is often difficult to know how to respond to.

I had this exchange most recently last week while walking home with a student after our English club. We stood outside my building talking for a little awhile. She asked me the usual questions: Do I live alone. Do I date Ukrainian men. Why not. What about American men. What do I want. What will I do when I go home to America. What do I do in my free time. Do I like living alone. Followed by the invariable "But you must be so lonely!"

And I suppose I am lonely, but in a way that I assume many people are lonely: It doesn’t feel extraordinary or unusual; it feels like a piece of humanness, like being tired or hungry—it comes and goes, following the normal tides and patterns of life. 

Wonderful San Francisco...what feels like forever ago

Yet I am still surprised by the assumption, the concern that accompanies it, and the subsequent disbelief when I answer, “but I like being alone.” Sometimes I'm asked if this is "normal" for Americans. "Maybe? Everyone is different," I usually respond.

At home, most people seem to conclude that my life and my decisions are my own doing; a choice to live freely, without constraint in order to achieve the goals I set for myself. A part of willing and wielding my life to become what I want it to be. I don't think about what's expected; I think about what I want—A notion not particularly welcomed in many parts of the world, Ukraine included. It implies selfishness, strangeness. Misfits. Social outcasts. Unlikable people. Rather than being, one ought to belong.

So I told her that being alone can be good. Being alone can teach you to not only accept, but to appreciate and like yourself. Being alone teaches you to be whole as an individual, without the expectation that someone or something else can feign wholeness for you.

Yes, absolutely, people are great, amazing, but they aren't a solution to a problem. You will never be happy if you continually rely on what is outside of you. And she told me no one had ever said that to her before; that there is too much pressure to be beautiful, to be perfect, to find a boyfriend, to get married, to never, ever be alone.

For me, the process of being alone allows me the space and time to understand myself in light of my own limitations. I'm protective of it.

And there is time for togetherness. And mostly I want it in mornings with my mom, who would make me a cup of coffee and remind me that everything will be wonderful and good always.

Now here is a photo of me with my student, Julia, who dressed as me for Halloween:

Nailed it.

English Club! Pumpkin/Squash Carving